I woke up at 9:30 today. Lately I've been able to get up early in the morning and I'm really happy about it. I was going to take a shower and go have breakfast when Luca seemed to have woken up. When I said "Good morning," he seemed to have a stomachache and a slight fever.
We decided it would be fine to have the cooking class tomorrow. Of course that's okay. At times like this I find myself wondering what I should say. I did say "I hope you feel better soon," but then I wondered what else I should say. I'm the kind of person who worries about such small things.
My sociable self and my unsociable self
For breakfast I ordered an omelet and ate watermelon and other fruits. There were a lot of ants on the banana cake, so I laughed and told the staff, "There are ants here." Today I was very friendly. Why do I change so much depending on the day? On days when I have the courage to talk, I feel a sense of accomplishment and maybe I feel good. The feeling of taking on a challenge and clearing it.
While I was eating breakfast alone, Luca came down. At the same time he brought a new girl with him. I wondered if they knew each other, but apparently they'd just met. He makes friends too quickly (lol). She was Dutch and traveling alone.
The three of us talked, and she was really an extrovert — the kind who talks to almost everyone at the hostel. She recharges her energy by meeting people. She studies psychology at university and apparently works with patients from children to adults. I guessed she was probably traveling in Thailand during a gap year.
She really couldn't stop talking; I was impressed. But I'm so unaccustomed to groups that I didn't know how to join the conversation.
When the conversation turns to me I get nervous and try to speak well. This is completely a lack of familiarity and lack of experience. Because of past trauma I became bad with groups and have mostly formed one-on-one relationships. That allowed me to build deep bonds, but as a result I didn't know how to behave in groups.
I need to practice.
I didn't know what to say when leaving either. "See you later" isn't really accurate since we weren't going to see each other later. I wanted to say goodbye nicely, but the words wouldn't come. In the end, while I was washing the plates and going to the toilet, everyone was gone.
But I don't have to force it. I can be friendly and speak sincerely about how I feel. I don't need to overthink it. I'm just not used to it. I was just flustered because it's been a while. The challenge of joining a group is something I can practice from now on.
Four hours at the gym — form is everything
I went back to my room and then to the gym. It was hard to put the protein powder into a plastic bottle, and the hostel lady gave me a funnel. Thanks to that I was able to do it efficiently. It's been raining day after day outside.
My muscle soreness had almost recovered today, so I trained abs, shoulders, back, and chest. I skipped arms because they were still sore. Since each exercise was the first time for me, I learn from Instagram reels and TikToks each time while doing them. That's why it ends up taking about four hours. The beginning is crucial, and I think form is everything. If you do it with the wrong form it's meaningless. That's why it takes time, but I'm really proud that I can learn new exercises, remember the form, and train my body. Investing in the gym was really worth it.
Khao man gai and protein days
As soon as I got back to the hostel I ordered khao man gai. I wanted to eat chicken and get protein. I also bought a protein drink at the convenience store and drank it. After working out, thanks to adrenaline and dopamine I'm really energetic, and I can speak clearly to the staff and my voice gets louder. It really feels great.
I asked Luca, "I'm going to 7-Eleven, do you want anything?" out of courtesy, and he said, "Oh, you gonna go? I will go too," so we went together. Actually we'd just gone a little while ago (lol). Luca praised me a lot for training four hours at the gym. He said he'd played soccer for 16 years. We also talked about work, and he asked if I earn enough to live in Thailand, and I was like, "Yeah, I do!"
Then we returned to the hostel, I picked up my laundry, and went to Starbucks. It was past 6 p.m. Time flies.
Sorting out my feelings
At night I studied React and watched YouTube at Starbucks until 10 p.m. Suddenly I found myself thinking about the girl I'm interested in. I decided it's not good to immerse myself in someone to the point of bending my own principles, so I muted her Instagram. Control my emotions. Life is ultimately unpredictable, so live the present to the fullest. That's all there is to it.
People who "consume" time and people who "create" time
I suddenly wondered how many people are wasting their time. When walking down the street there are tons of people watching videos on their phones. In Thailand, in Vietnam. It's fine if they're creating something, but if they're just watching and consuming and killing time, they won't become interesting people — that's what I think as I watch them.
Thinking like that, maybe I'm on the better side. Reading books every day, studying, writing a diary, doing jaw training, recording a diary in French and posting it on TikTok. That's my daily routine.
Someone said on an Instagram reel, "Before going to bed I always make sure I can think, 'I gave it my all today!'" That line inspired me. I also want to cherish my time to the fullest and make every day one I can say, "I did it!" about.
"I want to go back"
At night while I was writing in my diary at the hostel, the Dutch girl I met this morning called out "Hello" to me. She said she's moving hostels tomorrow. She said it's because hardly anyone comes there and it's lonely. When her friends went to another hostel there were lots of people, so she's moving there. Apparently she came over to say goodbye.
She was really friendly and very open. I want to be open like her. Actually, that's who I really am. So it's more correct to say "I want to go back" rather than "I want to become that." Thanks to her I experienced being "accepted." Thank you. I thought this was another small positive influence.
