It was a really strange night. The glass in the bathtub of the hotel I had booked had been broken by the previous guest, so I ended up staying at another place nearby for just one night. The bed there was really uncomfortable, and it felt like the mattress probably hadn't been cleaned. As expected, when I tried to sleep my head and body started itching. I was sure there were bedbugs.
Before I knew it it was 3, then 4, then 5 o'clock, and I only finally fell asleep sometime after 6. This was the latest I'd stayed up since starting my trip around the world. My head was full of thoughts—anxieties and things about people.
Past checkout time
I woke up at 11:30. I dozed off again and it ended up being 12:10. I was past checkout time, but I was the only guest so I thought it would be fine. While I was taking a shower and relaxing, someone knocked on the door and said, 'You're long past checkout time!' so I replied, 'Sorry! I'll check out right now!'.
I packed and returned to yesterday's hotel. A woman showed me to a room right away. The room was on the top floor, the fourth, and it was tough carrying my 18 kg backpack up there.
I collapsed into the room. It was at least seven times better than yesterday's. And yet the woman only gave me a 100,000 dong (about 560 yen) discount.
I felt pathetic
While taking a short break, I started to feel pathetic. Even though I said I wanted to get myself together, I ended up going to bed at 6 in the morning, so of course I'm sleepy now, and instead of motivation there's only a feeling of fatigue. Thinking that today might be wasted too really brought my mood down.
I wondered why I'd come back to HCMC and felt disappointed in my own inadequacy.
The result of expecting too much
The real reason I thought of returning to HCMC was to see Sonya and Tao again, and to meet My Tu as well. In particular, Tao and I had talked about 'I'll be back in HCMC, it'd be great if we could meet then.' My over-expectation of that was a major cause of this.
Tao seemed busy and didn't reply much — classic Vietnamese 'ghosting.' I did get a reply later saying 'I'm busy now, I'll update you later,' but ultimately I'm the one to blame.
I can think of three reasons.
1. I made the decision while tired.
When I was thinking of buying a ticket to HCMC, I was standing in line at the gate for the Hanoi flight, tired and driven by emotion. So I couldn't make a logical decision and relied on System 1.
2. I expected too much of the other person.
I assumed 'the other person will surely do this' and changed my plans accordingly. In other words, I let the other person drive my plans.
3. Traveling alone made me prone to dependency.
With no one around to keep me in check, I haven't been able to discipline myself. Because I haven't been taking proper care of myself, I fell into a state of dependency on others (anxious attachment).
Today, Ann was in Sapa.
It turns out Ann was in Sapa today. In other words, if I had stayed in Hanoi for another week I could have both gone to Sapa and spent more time with Ann. That was a really big mistake.
Because I bought the HCMC ticket expecting something from someone who wasn't reliable, things ended up like this. I also panicked at the airport and bought a Bangkok flight departing from Da Nang, so I really wondered what on earth I was doing.
My route ended up being a crazy mess: HCMC → Quy Nhon → Hanoi → HCMC → Da Lat → Nha Trang → Da Nang → Hue → Da Nang.
The real ideal would have been: HCMC → Da Lat → Nha Trang → Da Nang → Hue → Hanoi → Sapa → Ha Long → Hanoi—that would have been perfect.
It's all my fault.
This is all my fault, and the root causes are my lack of research, poor planning, and a tendency to rely on others (because traveling alone makes me dependent).
So first I'll discipline myself and live a healthy life. I'll focus on my projects. I'll do strength training to increase my attractiveness. That will raise my self-esteem and build confidence. Then I'll have the bandwidth to spend time with others. When that happens, people will naturally come to me.
Instead of chasing or having expectations, if you cultivate a beautiful garden within yourself, people will naturally be drawn to you. That's basically it.
Right now I'm trying to fill my loneliness by taking the easy route in front of me. That's no good. It's the difficult choices that bear fruit in the long run. I need to discipline myself.
Pho is as delicious as ever.
After leaving the hotel, I decided to eat pho first and went to a nearby place with good reviews, but it was dimly lit so I passed. The next place had no customers either. Eventually I went somewhere else that seemed popular, so I chose that. It had been a while since I last had pho, and it was very tasty. I also ordered coconut juice to replenish minerals.
After finishing, I called a motorbike taxi and decided to go to a 24-hour cafe in District 3. I arrived in about ten minutes, but there were obviously tons of people and it was packed inside. At the entrance there were a lot of Vietnamese people desperate to take photos, and some girls even had boards to adjust the camera flash. I thought, wow, they're serious.
I went into the cafe, but there were too many people so I gave up.
The Every Half Coffee Sonya and I went to was nearby, so I tried that, but it was crowded too. I gave up again and decided to go to Starbucks.
While walking, I found the restaurant where I got heatstroke last year.
I walked to Starbucks listening to classical music. It was the same Starbucks I used last year. A staff member offered me a taste of a new coconut and kiwi juice. It was so good that I ordered it.
The restaurant where I got heatstroke last year
I worked there and organized my diary. I spent Sunday doing things like that.
