Today I woke up at 8:00 in the morning. Then I took a shower, and because I got sleepy right away I ended up sleeping until 12:30. I figured it was probably the accumulated fatigue from three days of diving.
My body felt as heavy as lead.
After waking up I decided to have lunch. I went to a cheap Thai restaurant nearby and ordered chicken fried rice, fried chicken, and a smoothie. I was so hungry that I ate greedily, but partway through I suddenly felt very full and started having trouble breathing. My hands went numb and I felt a bit anxious.
I thought it might be from scuba fatigue and an imbalance in my autonomic nervous system. At the end of yesterday's dive my hands and feet tingled and prickled; when I had it checked they said nitrogen was forming bubbles so I might have mild decompression sickness, which made me even more tense and brought up a lot of anxiety. My body was heavy as lead.
The sea is soothing.
I thought about going back and sleeping again. But I also wanted to go to the sea, so I decided to go. I went to the sea and walked there. I walked a lot.
It was 2 PM so the sun was at its strongest, but I had sunscreen on my face so I thought I'd be okay. At that time I felt very calm, with no anxiety at all, and I enjoyed it. The sea really is soothing. I didn't have any trouble breathing and I was truly at ease.
After spending about an hour at the sea I figured I should get to work, so I went to a nearby café, ordered a blueberry smoothie, and planned to work. But suddenly I lost all motivation and didn't even have the energy to open my laptop.
I was really overwhelmed by anxiety. What is this? Am I mentally weak? I thought I should be strong.
My Japanese is a mess.
I decided to write my diary by voice, so I spoke Japanese for the first time in a while. My grammar was a mess and I stumbled many times. I was a little shocked that this is what happens if you don't use Japanese regularly. But well, that's fine.
After that I got motivated, finished writing the diary, and made a French video for TikTok. It's kind of a hassle, but some videos are doing pretty well, so I want to keep doing it every single day from now on. I want to be able to speak French fluently and at least reach A2 level. Eventually I want to attend a perfume school, so I'd like to get to B2.
I've carved everything out through self-study.
Still, I think my ability to self-teach and to keep going is amazing. French, English, Russian, programming — all self-taught. The fact that I'm traveling the world like this now is all something I've paved myself. I don't think the friendships I've made here would have been possible if I'd graduated from university and gotten a regular job. So I'm really proud of my ability to act on my own will, to learn on my own, and to carve out my future. I'm impressed with myself again.
Now it's about communicating with people. I want to get past that quickly. Don't seek the 'correct' answer; say what you feel emotionally. When I'm speaking emotionally, when I'm speaking honestly, the other person feels most at ease, I think I'm good at communication, and I believe I can make people smile with conversation. I realized that thinking that way is important.
I think, 'I'll make the other person have fun.'
When I communicate with someone, thinking 'I'll make the other person have fun' lets me be natural. Not 'I'll speak well' or 'I'll be liked,' but 'I'll make the other person have fun.' I want people to gain energy and positivity from me, to smile, to have their lives improved, to think 'That was fun; I have an unforgettable memory,' — I want to make them feel that. No, I can do it, and I already am.
Anyway, I worked on my laptop at the café until 8 PM.
