Today I woke up at noon. I was roused by a cleaner calling out, 'Excuse me, the checkout time has already passed.' It turned out today was my checkout day! I had completely misunderstood and thought it was tomorrow, so I panicked. They pressed me to either extend for a day or check out today, so I asked if it would be okay to check out at 1 PM since it would already be 1.
They said that would be fine, so I decided to check out at 1 PM. I hurriedly took a shower and packed my things. Never before in my life had I forgotten my checkout day, so I realized I’d been really slacking off and felt like I was hopeless.
Even though I'm traveling alone, I've been way too lax. Of course I’m tired, and maybe I’m just at a phase of being worn out from so many adventures. But this is a feeling and experience only someone who’s kept adventuring can taste. I thought how truly precious that is.
An exotic restaurant and insect larvae
I ended up checking out around 1:20 PM. I apologized to the front desk, saying sorry. I rushed to the hotel I'd booked. It was near the exotic restaurant Sufi had told me about two years ago.
The receptionist who checked me in was really kind and polite. When you meet someone like that, your mood lifts and changes a lot. Feeling cared for really boosts your spirits. People are, after all, hungry for self-respect. That's probably why we love people who satisfy that need for us.
Right after checking in I went out to have lunch. The exotic restaurant serves Sabah’s local dishes, and the menu looked more extensive than it was two years ago. Apparently you can even eat insect larvae there, and I thought that such a rare experience was something I definitely wanted to try.
They actually showed me live larvae, and it was extremely gross. But I heard the taste is like coconut milk and sounded kind of delicious. Still, I was a bit scared. Talking with the staff, we agreed I should try it at least once before I leave.
I tried the local dish I had two years ago.
As for the taste, it was really good. It was very exotic and the flavors were strong, though not bad. The fried fish was the best.
It's not that Kota Kinabalu has become lonely
After leaving the cafe I went back to the hotel to rest a bit. I had actually planned to go for a run, but it seemed to be raining so I thought it was impossible. For dinner I had Malaysia’s local dish, nasi lemak, at a restaurant next to the Chinese place I had been to before.
It was pretty tasty but not amazing. That restaurant had pretty good ratings, but the flavor wasn’t that great. After finishing, I returned to the hotel, got ready, and headed to a nearby cafe that’s open until 11 PM to get some work done.
I used to love Kota Kinabalu in Malaysia, but lately it felt like a lonely city. I realized it’s probably not that Kota Kinabalu has become lonely, but that my own heart has grown lonely.
I couldn't meet Sufi, and I couldn't meet Wayn either. I came to Malaysia with expectations, but once again I missed the mark. I repeated the same mistake: expecting things from people and changing my actions because of it. That was a big failure.
You really shouldn't expect things from people no matter what. It's kind of sad. People are creatures who want to expect things from others. It's heartbreaking to think you should only rely on yourself and not expect others.
I've gotten to the point where I can say 'Hello'
Maybe because I'm in a period of getting to know myself, I haven't been very social. I don't know whether that's a problem or not, but I want to get out of it soon and return to being a genuine, outgoing ENFP.
I want to be that cheerful ENFP who greets people energetically like that. Their communication skills are seriously amazing.
I was born naturally good at communication and can easily start conversations with people. But some past experiences or wrong fixed beliefs seem to have put this trip into a downward trend. It's really disappointing. I just want to get rid of those wrong fixed notions as soon as possible.
Still, there are good things. When I go to convenience stores, cafes, or check into hotels, I can say 'Hello!' Before, in Thailand I would ignore the cashier at the convenience store and wouldn't say hello.
But since coming to Malaysia I've started saying hello. Maybe it's because I've gained some inner certainty that I probably won't be ignored. Honestly, Thailand was still better in some ways — there are more things you can do there and the food is tastier than in Malaysia. But in Thailand I was shrinking back.
Malaysia is a bit more open. Knowing your own state is important, but it’s really complicated, I think.
I want to grow more
Right now I do programming work, but I want to become someone who isn’t dependent on a single skill and can do many things: a speaker of English and French, someone with video editing skills, someone who can present themselves, and someone who can build things with programming. That's the kind of person I want to be.
But above all of that, it starts with self-esteem. Being able to believe in yourself is what makes all this possible. So I want to build that self-esteem first and solidify my foundation.
I'm 25. It's about time I establish the axis of my work. That's why I think I just have to keep learning, acquire new skills, and keep moving forward without giving up. At the same time, I need to talk to lots of people to be more proactive in communication.
Take care of my appearance. Go to the gym and power up my body. There are many things I can do. I can do it — I definitely can. Steadily, step by step. Let's do our best.
