A day I sleep at 4 AM and wake up at noon
I went to bed at 4 in the morning and woke up at 12. Today was check-out day at the hostel. I packed up and left the hostel. For lunch I went to Burger King and ordered fries and a chicken burger. After relaxing a little, I headed to the next hostel. There, after relaxing a bit, I decided to move into the hostel.
18 kg and a way-too-rough motorbike taxi
This time the hostel was near Chinatown. I was a little excited. I traveled by motorbike taxi. But carrying 18 kg was really a burden. Also, I hadn't been able to fall asleep well today, so I was a bit irritated.
The motorbike taxi guy drove rough. He kept stopping and going, and the jolts were so strong they wore me out. The helmet was way too big and kept hitting my glasses. At one point he casually slammed into a gutter with a thud and laughed, "bahahaha!" I thought about rating him a 1. Well, in the end I gave him a 5 (lol).
After that, I finished checking into the hostel. It was a fairly large hostel and seemed to have a coworking space, so that was nice. But the room itself wasn't clean at all and was unnervingly small, so I kind of disliked it. Still, I figured I'd just have to get used to it.
I got ready and went out to work. But it started raining on the way, so I did a bit of work in the hostel lobby. Then a sense of unease, or something like that, came over me. It was probably due to lack of sleep, but there were certainly many factors.
Work and love not going my way
Lately there have been a lot of things that "don't go as I want." At work I get tasks I'm bad at or that are inefficient, or three requests come in at the same time. I get lots of matches on Bumble and it leads to dates, but with the girls I'm actually interested in, nothing goes well. Schedules and timing are off and don't line up. I feel like God is being mean to me. But honestly, that's how it feels.
I asked ChatGPT why things never work out with the girls I'm into, and it said, "They sense your emotions before you notice them, and they pull back a bit." So it suggested I try messaging like I'm messaging someone I don't really care about. I get it — that made sense to me.
A heart that can't help but expect, and still refuses to shut down
On top of that, I hadn't finished the video edits and projects weren't progressing according to the planned schedule, and I found myself getting annoyed. Maybe sometimes nothing goes right. I've experienced it many times—the idea that you shouldn't expect anything from others.
But I want to face people seriously, and because I value connections I have expectations like "I want this to happen!" So I want to keep those expectations. Purely, it makes my heart tremble. I absolutely don't want to close my heart. That would make me a truly cold person. I want my heart to tremble and confront things sincerely.
So I get my hopes up and feel sad when the other person doesn't act the way I expected. But there's also a part of me that thinks you should only expect things from yourself and not from others. In the end, the latter is correct. But right now I can't do that. I want to face people seriously and I don't want to forget this pure feeling, this heart.
Between ENFP and ENTJ — which one would be more fun, I wonder?
While walking I wondered which is more enjoyable, ENFP or ENTJ. I'm an ENFP now, but a year ago when I was only working, I was an ENTJ. Back then my emotions were steady, my expression had no smiles but was stable. No emotional ups and downs, mentally stable, doing what needed to be done, delivering results, celebrating success. That was the feeling.
But thinking about it now, humans are emotional creatures, and living emotionally is fun. It's precisely because of these "painful" experiences that people shine, I think. You might say I'm romanticizing it, but it's not embellishment. It's just painful. Yet that suffering and those hard experiences make a real person. So you should dive in without regrets. Time won't come back. So enjoy the "now" with everything you've got, fail a lot, and go through painful experiences. We're human, after all.
Conclusion: there's no choice but to dive in
It's precisely because you fail and suffer that later those things turn into charm and slowly emerge. They add to a "beautiful garden" and make it even more beautiful. This isn't justification—it's true. Anyway, dive in. Live every day with all your might. That's enough.
Then I walked to a nearby cafe and worked there. I was so irritated today that I crossed even when there were a lot of cars, completely unbothered, with an intense look. Because I was angry. It would've been perfect if I were on my way to a Muay Thai gym right now. I'm shy and sometimes take a step back. But now I could definitely go, and I could hit a hanging boxing bag a hundred times. I want to punch.
I worked at the cafe until about 8:30, then walked to a cafeteria near the hostel I checked out of today and had dinner. That was the day. It's about time I organize my heart and mind in a notebook. Writing in a notebook and writing on a computer really feel different.
