I woke up at 12 today. I couldn’t get back to sleep. The girl I’m interested in on this trip posted a really striking photo, and I couldn’t get it out of my head. My noradrenaline was off the charts, my heart kept pounding, and even while trying to sleep I guess I kept imagining all sorts of things.
I can’t get that girl I’m into out of my head.
So in the end I did a little work, ordered and ate khao man gai. Since I was meeting a new friend today, I jumped on my bike right after eating and headed to Chiang Mai University. I heard there are two big lakes there and it’s really full of nature, so I wanted to check it out. I arrived by bike.
Even while riding I kept thinking about her. Why? I wondered. I guess I want to hope for something. I don’t know. When I look at her posts I feel a kind of loneliness, and for some reason I’m especially attracted to people like that.
Maybe it’s because I’m like the sun. So honestly I don’t really fall for sunny people. But I end up falling hard for people who carry some shadow. I think that’s dangerous. And to be honest, the back-and-forth games excite me too.
I want to message her or like her posts, but I think if I do that and it drags on I’ll only end up hurting myself. Because once we start exchanging messages I find myself getting pulled in more and more, and then I panic about it.
She’s totally the type to suck you into a swamp. So maybe it’s really important to cut it off cleanly and not talk at all.
Talking about dreams at the Chiang Mai University lakes
Anyway, I arrived at Chiang Mai University! Met my friend in person. To be honest, the moment we met I had the intuition, “Ah, maybe we’re not that compatible.” For a second I wondered why I’d agreed to meet this person, but we shook hands and started walking.
She seemed really nervous and wouldn’t meet my eyes at all. Maybe she’s not used to men. I thought that nervousness was cute.
But the conversation was really deep. I like deep talks, so that’s all we talked about—future dreams, living abroad, that sort of thing. She said she really likes people from Pakistan. I only had this image that Pakistan was a dangerous, overpopulated country, so I thought, I see. But apparently the mountains are very beautiful.
I realized it’s important not to judge based only on my image but to see things with my own eyes. With that, we talked for a long time at a café. Then we walked and went to another lake. There were a lot of people running there.
The silence wasn’t awkward at all, but I think the reason it wasn’t awkward is because there wasn’t any romantic excitement. I find that interesting in its own way.
People say it’s nice to be able to relax with someone like this, but I’m the type who seeks romance. So if there’s no thrill, it’s not fun for me.
Listening to guitar by the lakeside
We walked back to that lake. It got dark. We shared our dreams with each other. We both dreamed of moving abroad. Nice! There were three people playing guitar up ahead. I thought that was nice. We enjoyed that vibe.
Then she asked, “Can I call my friends?” and I said sure. Her friends joined, and the two of them were laughing and having a great time. But to be honest, I didn’t really fit into that atmosphere.
It was such a nice, dim atmosphere by the lake, but their energy felt too different. I felt like I didn’t mesh with those people.
When I said “I’ll walk home,” she insisted—almost annoyingly—“I want to take you on my bike! I’ll take you to your hostel!” So I felt a bit bothered but said, “Okay, take me,” and she did. She seemed really happy, like it was her first time driving with a boy on the back. We took a photo together for now. I wanted to at least show that I was enjoying it.
But my mind kept thinking about that other girl. It was silent, but even that silence didn’t bother me. I realized you can tell by intuition whether you’re compatible. This time we weren’t compatible romantically. I’m sorry, but that was my honest feeling.
And with that we said goodbye. She didn’t meet my eyes at the end; she was probably nervous. I said thanks and “I hope we can meet again,” and we said bye.
Ah, I’m tired. After I got back to the hostel I did a lot of work, then slept. Today made me think about compatibility.
