We were supposed to meet at 5:50 today, so I made myself get up at 5:00. But I went to bed at 9 p.m., then kept thinking about various things and ended up not falling asleep until around 11 or midnight. My alarm woke me at 5:30 and I managed to get up, but I had dark circles all around my eyes.
Final day of diving: half excited, half anxious
Today is the last day of my scuba course. So I'm half excited and half anxious, because today I'll be diving down 18 meters for the first time in my life.
During yesterday's second dive I unconsciously exhaled through my nose, which caused my mask to not seal properly, and I also accidentally inhaled through my nose, letting water into my mouth. That made me a little scared. Anyway, I headed to the dive school.
When I got to the dive school, Simon and the other group members were already there. I had forgotten to buy breakfast, so I ran to 7-Eleven and bought a spinach sandwich and an onigiri. I thought I should eat something in case I got seasick again.
I ran back to the school and waited for the van to the pier. Simon looked really sleepy — apparently he'd only slept six hours, same as me. When I checked my sleep app, it showed I'd only slept six hours too, so I was really worried about whether I'd be okay today.
Not being able to say 'good morning'
The route to the pier wound through mountain roads, so the van rocked a lot and I was thrown around. Someone from another group said 'good morning' to me, but I ignored it.
I couldn't trust whether they were really speaking to me. I think this probably reflects my low self-esteem — I don't think I can bring myself to believe that there's someone who would say 'good morning' to me.
Maybe because I said 'good morning' quietly at first, people didn't really notice and I was ignored in the end. But I wonder what that means.
Maybe I'm so afraid of being ignored that I intentionally keep my 'good morning' voice small, or maybe I say it quietly so that if I'm ignored I can tell myself 'I knew it' and feel validated. Either way, that's really sad. I want to be able to say 'good morning' confidently.
Still, it's amazing. I'm the only one — zero other Asians: no Japanese, no Koreans, no Chinese — 99.9% are Europeans or Australians. In that environment I came alone to the island, decided to get my scuba certification, went to the school by myself, negotiated by myself, learned everything in English, and now I've been able to earn the certification. I think that's a really big step of growth.
Sunrise morning, the photographer William
We rode a small boat over to the big boat we'd used yesterday. It was about 6:17 around sunrise, and I watched the enormous sun rise from the horizon with my own eyes. The view was truly beautiful — so romantic that I thought I'd like to see it with my partner.
As soon as we reached the big boat we prepared and set off. Today we had a dedicated photographer. Simon and I decided, as a memento, to pay 2,000 baht to have video and photos taken during the dive. The photographer, William, would be diving with us.
William was very handsome and apparently has lived on Koh Tao for three years. He dives almost every day to shoot photos and videos for clients and is very busy. I was impressed thinking, 'There are lives like that.'
William filmed us preparing for scuba and also recorded Calvin's briefing on video. And finally we were ready. Today's dive would be 18 meters — my first time ever. My heart was pounding and I had lots of anxiety, but I was really looking forward to it. More than anxiety, I think it was excitement — I couldn't wait.
First dive: felt like a mission and was fun
William filmed us jumping off the boat into the sea. At last the descent began. On Calvin's "deflate" cue we released air from our BCDs and started the dive. It was deeper than yesterday so I was a bit nervous, but we completed the first dive safely without incident.
There were lots of fish and I could see coral. But I kept worrying about whether my gear and mask were okay, which distracted me and kept me from fully connecting with the sea. Still, I think that's fine — it was only my third dive and I'm not used to scuba yet, so it's natural.
We dived for 34 minutes. I got tired partway through, but it was a lot of fun. On Calvin's cue we did a safety stop: a three-minute stop at five meters. During the dive nitrogen is compressed in the body, and rising too quickly would form bubbles, so as a precaution we stop at five meters for three minutes.
While scuba diving I enjoyed it more like a mission than just watching fish. Completing this task and that task, and now the mission to stop at five meters for three minutes — I found myself attracted to these task-like elements. Of course I was moved by the fish and seeing sea turtles and the beauty of the ocean, but I was more drawn to the mission side.
To Shark Island
After the first dive we ate a lot of the pineapples that had been left out. Diving always makes me very hungry. I was really happy that this dive went smoothly without any sudden ascents. I felt accomplished, but also a bit tired.
We were heading to the next island; Calvin suggested Shark Island and the captain agreed, so we decided to go there. Apparently Shark Island has somewhat rough currents and you have to keep swimming underwater, which uses up more energy. But you don't usually get experiences like that, so diving in rough waters seemed really valuable.
We arrived at Shark Island, changed cylinders as before and finished preparations; all the body checks were completed.
William took individual and cool-looking photos of us. On the 'let's go' signal we descended into the water, and that moment of diving into the sea is probably my favorite.
It's like, now we're heading into the open ocean. We deflate our BCDs and our bodies sink into the sea. What a wonderful experience that moment is. Diving into the ocean while feeling the earth — I love that instant.
Trouble with nasal breathing, and a determination to rewrite fixed beliefs
I dived with hopes of maybe seeing a whale shark this time, but it turned out we couldn't see one.
Partway through I again exhaled through my nose like yesterday, and my mask wouldn't seal properly, which caused me to get a little panicky.
Calvin helped me along the way, but I wasn't completely panicked — I kept telling myself I was okay — so I wasn't in full-blown panic. Still, water did get in at times and my mask filled and breathing became difficult, and I thought this was probably due to anxiety.
I definitely felt that the breathing difficulty came from anxiety. That's why I kept telling myself it's okay and somehow pushed through.
I didn't really have the bandwidth to look at fish anymore; inside I mostly just wanted to ascend quickly.
Maybe because I was getting tired, the phenomenon of breathing through my nose always happened on the second dive. But I don't want it to become a trauma, so I want to make a point of doing a second dive when I'm fresh and not breathing through my nose. By doing that I want to rewrite the fixed belief and make myself stronger.
This dive lasted 31 minutes. The moment we surfaced after the second dive, my feet, lips, and hands tingled. I wondered if it was some nerve symptom or nerves becoming hypersensitive from anxiety.
But later when I looked it up, I read that nitrogen forming bubbles can cause such sensations, so that made me a little anxious.
William's way of life
The diving was over. We caught our breath, took off our suits, packed up the gear, and relaxed while enjoying the rest of the boat trip. William was next to me, so I mustered the courage and asked, "How long do you live in Koh Tao?"
He said he'd been living on Koh Tao for three years, and before that lived in Indonesia. He studied film at university and even worked on a Netflix film, but in the end he really loves being a diving photographer and is enjoying it now. I thought he was really cool. I think it's wonderful to make money doing what you love.
William was very easy to talk to and compassionate, and I really wanted to be friends with him. I have a habit of thinking before I speak — wondering what the other person will think if I say this, or whether it's okay to ask. It's from trauma of having messed up with words in the past; my grandmother repeatedly told me "Kouta, you mess up with words, think before you speak." That's definitely a cultural thing specific to Japan.
Because of that I often think before speaking and decide it's better not to say something, so I miss opportunities.
I want to change that. By now it's hard to tell people when they've hurt me or done something unpleasant, so I think it's OK to express what I think.
Simon and the Italian restaurant
We arrived at the pier, loaded all the gear onto the truck, and returned to the school. Back at the school someone was selling pies, so I bought a chicken pie. It was 30 baht, very cheap and really delicious.
We finished cleaning and packing up the gear. William told us he'd edit the video and it would be shown at the party at 6:30. We were dismissed around noon and to meet again at 6:30.
Since it's a party they'd drink beer and play board games. I'm not a party person, but it's the end of the diving course and everyone shares the hobby, so I thought it would probably be fun.
I went back to the hostel to nap but the people there were noisy so I only slept for about an hour. Since we'd be drinking alcohol at the party, I thought it would be risky to go on an empty stomach, so I ate chicken fried rice at a nearby restaurant. Then I wrote letters on message cards for Simon and Calvin, stamped them, printed photos, and prepared everything.
Simon invited me to have dinner before the party, so we ate together. Honestly, I was happy; it made me reaffirm that I'm someone worth inviting. I hurriedly got ready and met him in front of his hostel.
At the Italian restaurant I ordered salmon pasta for the first time in a while. Simon ordered a meat pizza. Unlike how he appears, Simon really loves wine and beer and even logs the beers he drinks on his social media. I thought that was really interesting.
Simon looks very intimidating, but now I think he's truly kind, sincere, and warm. It seems that the scarier-looking people can be the kindest. While eating pasta we talked about Dutch cheese, Japanese sake, Dutch culture, and many other things, and we reminisced about how fun the diving was.
Beer party, and my true self
Before I knew it we were already late for the meetup, so we hurried to pay and headed to the dive school's bar. When we arrived everyone was already having a good time. We ordered beer and drank.
We all watched the video William had made. I was a bit embarrassed, but it was higher quality than I had imagined, so I was really moved and happy.
Because I hadn't drunk wine or beer in a while, I got very drunk and my communication became very fluent. In other words, I can talk — really. But I realized that normally I overthink and end up not speaking. That's a shame. It's okay to be myself.
I am who I am, and only I can love myself. How I live is my choice. So I want to listen more freely to the voice of my heart and communicate more emotionally from the heart.
I talked with William again — about how he came to the island, whether he misses England, when he started doing camera and video work, and about dive spots and many other things.
William is a great conversationalist and always speaks with a calm expression, and I thought people like him are wonderful. He probably has good self-esteem. In my case, I can speak normally, but sometimes there's a bit of impatience or I suppress myself thinking I shouldn't talk too much, so I want to improve on that.
I also talked with Calvin. Even though he's German, he apparently gets very drunk from only one beer and can't drink a lot of alcohol. He said he's been to Oktoberfest only once or twice. I thought, 'There are all kinds of Germans.'
Message cards, and giving people positive energy
I drank a lot of beer and got nicely drunk. Apparently there's a monthly jungle party on the island today, and Simon was going to head there soon.
So I asked Simon to write a message in my travel notebook. At the same time Calvin had to leave early the next morning for diving, so I asked him too.
Both of them wrote very long messages: Calvin wrote "be yourself," and Simon wrote a deeper, more emotional letter. I don't remember the details, but their words really struck me.
After all, I love people. It's exhausting, but each person is really a good person. Being human is painful and not easy, and that's precisely why there's something beautiful about it — an emotion only humans can feel.
When I finally handed over the message cards and photos I had prepared, they were very pleased. The moment you do something for someone and see them happy, that's when I feel happiest. So from now on I want to give people positive energy, share lots of inspiration, and make everyone smile. That's what I can do.
That might be the meaning of my life: that because of me people feel energized, become positive, and are positively influenced. I want to become that kind of person.
Walking along Koh Tao's night sea
After the beer party ended, I decided to walk along the shore. From about 8 to 9:30 p.m. I was by the sea for an hour and a half, thinking about many things.
That girl I like updated her story again, and my heart was a little moved. But what I feel day by day is that the same emotion doesn't last forever. As time goes by you get used to it, and you end up smirking or thinking it's cute.
I think that means the emotional part gradually cools down and you're able to think logically and calmly. I guess that's a wonderful thing in its own way.
Anyway, I walked to relax, listened to Lana Del Rey, and enjoyed Koh Tao's night sea.
