Even though I'm abroad, I have no place to belong. Something I realized during my travels
I thought something would change if I went abroad
I thought I'd become more open if I went abroad.
Unfamiliar land, unfamiliar people, a feeling of freedom.
But reality was a little different.
Words wouldn't come.
I kept reading the room.
Before I knew it, I had become quiet.
On the way home from a birthday party in Georgia, I felt a strong sense of emptiness.
Was I really this unnoticeable?
But at the same time, I also thought this:
That I hadn't felt a sense of belonging even when I was in Japan.
I didn't have this feeling when I studied abroad in Russia.
It was strange.
I didn't have this feeling while studying in Russia.
Rather, I felt more like myself.
I thought about the reason.
Back then,
- I had a clear role as a student.
- There was a community of people my age.
- Everyone was in the same 'in-between' stage.
- There was a structure where relationships formed naturally.
In other words, I had a place within society.
This solo trip is different.
- There is no role.
- Communities don't form automatically.
- People's age phases are all mixed.
- I'm the only one moving.
A feeling of being outside society.
That made me feel small.
Abroad is not a place that changes people.
People often say, 'Going abroad will change you.'
But in reality, it might be the opposite.
Abroad is not a place that changes people.
A place that lays people bareIt is.
Titles, occupations, and language — the structures that supported me disappear.
What remains is my raw self as a human.
So temporarily,
- Confidence drops.
- I become introverted.
- I become lonely.
But that's not a failure.
It's just the training wheels coming off.
I wasn't looking for a 'country'.
I finally realized it here.
I wasn't searching for Japan or overseas. What I was seeking was,
a dynamic society × people who feel close at heart × an environment where I can remain 'in-progress'
That was it.
A dynamic society
Rather than a completed society,
I feel more at ease in a society that's still growing.
Where the economy is on the rise,
There's youthful energy,
And many people take on challenges.
Precisely because I'm still 'in-progress', I want the society to be in-progress too.
When I enter an atmosphere of completion,
I end up feeling like the only unfinished one.
People who feel close at heart
More important than nationality is the closeness to others.
Not superficial conversation, but being able to talk about life and values.
More than just being welcomed, being genuinely able to connect.
I think I'm not the type to belong to a place; I'm the type to belong through relationships.
An environment where I can be 'in-progress'.
I don't want to be complete yet.
I still want to keep exploring and keep changing.
But when I enter among people in a stable phase, I suddenly feel small.
It's not a matter of ability. It's just a different phase.
Among people moving at the same pace,
My energy naturally returns.
Conclusion: I'm searching for a 'structure'.
What I'm looking for isn't a country. It's a structure that is young, active, and close in relationships.
If I'm there, I'll start moving without forcing myself.
It's not that I'm falling right now.
I think I'm simply in the process of choosing the place where I'll next come alive.
And the country closest to that structure,
is surely going to be my place from now on, I think.
